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The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 470
Production Info The Check-In * Dr. Colbert discusses Indecision 2008 with His Jewish Friend, who doesn't seem to care about time zones, but wants him to cancel a previously scheduled program with John Stewart. Intro A Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad Day * it's been a long emotional day * Randy Cunningham was sentenced * God decided to send him a buddy ** Ted Stevens was found guilty of 7 felony counts * Dr. Colbert is not crying ** medical condition where water keeps falling out of his eyes; there is no cure * old trick Dr. Colbert learned during his modeling days ** "Preparation H," de-puffs the eye lids *** use a fresh tube * court claimed Stevens didn't disclose gifts: ** grill ** toolshed ** new deck ** sled dog ** steel staircase ** fish statue ** mug that says "My other Mug is a fish statue" * he never asked for the gift ** the gifts refused to grow legs and walk away, which worked in Beauty and the Beast * nothing is going to break this man ** he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush * sneak out through the internets Who is Barack Obama * Obama has been previously believed to be: ** secret muslim ** domestic terrorist ** mothra * recently it has been discovered he is a socialist * McCain is targeting his most important voter ** Joe, the McCarthy *** people still love him * Palin warned: ** you thought your stuff was "your's" ** people will come to take your stuff *** lick everything you own **** riddled with Bird Flu * Barbara West nailed Joe Biden ** asked if believes Obama is a Marxist; Biden asked if she were kidding * Dr. Colbert offered a joke so Biden will know what one sounds like: What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? ** Communist Manipesto *** once Obama becomes president, it will be the only joke we'll have * what's the real truth? ** Socialist candidate for president, Comrade Brian Moore *** nominee for president of the socialist party * claims Obama is not a communist ** says he's a capitalist ** Obama is not nationalizing the banks * says socialists want ** wants the government to implement real nationalization ** share a quality of lifestyle ** want fairness, equality * wants workers to control means of production ** workers will decided Dr. Colbert's PIN number * he believes calling Obama is misrepresenting the party ** and says McCain is "red-baiting" * if he had his druthers... ** he would have to share his druthers with everyone Measuring The Suckiness Of Cantons * America is faced with a decision ** which city of Canton is the crappiest * John McCain visited Canton, Ohio * Canton, GA Mayor got angry ** raise inbred children *** or non-inbred children, they are very tolerant * meant Canton, Kansas ** big fan of silt * Canton, South Dakota ** real assburgh * meant to say Canton, Texas ** remember the Alamo, but good god forget everything you know about Canton, Texas * Obama will be speaking in Canton, Ohio ** important to his campaign *** should be changed to Hitler's Asscrack, Ohio * you used to be the home of Hoover vacuum cleaners, even they thought your city sucked too hard * home of McKinley memorial ** If Dr. Colbert had lived in Canton, he'd wished he'd been assassinated, too ** where tombstones read "Best day of my life" Interview * Sherman Alexie * author of Absolutely true diary of a part time Indian ** a good another * statue of Christopher Columbus right outside his window ** psychological warfare * Anglos forgive him for attacking the wagon trains * forgives him for Small Pox ** Stephen asked for the blankets back, but dry cleaned first * misconceptions about Indians * his spirit animal is the squirrel * cannot talk to animals * 90% Native Americans are supporting Obama ** no half left for Chickesaw * McCain head of Bureau of Indian Affairs * support for the good of everybody not just for their little group * didn't murder, only embarrassed * Dr. Colbert may have been silenced by Alexie's final comment Epilogue * Dr. Colbert reminds America we only have 6 more days until the election ** and for the liberals, he reminds them to buy their tickets to Canada Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Motherload Videos External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments